Name: Hugs (AKA Cuddles)
Age: Unable to say.
Appearance: Warm and friendly.
We’ve missed you, where have you been? They basically banned me.
They? Jacinda Ardern, the prime minister.
How so? She told everyone to stay away from each other. No touching.
Was this her idea? No, her top science advisers apparently told her to do it.
How do you know? She always says ‘following the advice of my advisers I’m banning…’ and then names something people like to do.
Just like Marxist Russia? Your words, not mine.
And did they? Did they what?
Stop embracing each other? Yes, you wouldn’t have seen me since January 2020 if you followed official guidance.
Oh, it’s just ‘guidance’ then? Yes, but everyone does what they are told when it’s on TV.
How can a friendly hug harm people? Not sure really, but I think it’s something to do with the lurgy. It’s had a much more aggressive marketing campaign than me.
But people feel a lot better after a hug though, eh? Oh yes, I used to be very popular indeed. Everyone was hugging everyone else – good times and bad.
You’re universal then? That’s right. I’m there no matter what language people speak or where ever they are on the planet.
When will we see you again? I guess when Jacinda says it’s alright to hug people again, or if people ignore her and do it anyway.
Are you trying to start a revolution? No, not at all. But I do think people miss friendly hugs and right now we’ve got warehouses full of unused hugs. Boxes of them!
Really? Yep, there’s an unlimited supply and more where they came from.
How can I get one? Next time you see a friend put your arms out, give them a big smile, and a hug will be delivered within seconds – we offer free delivery worldwide.
What if they recoil? Tell them not to be scared and that you love them.
What’s your favourite movie quote? I’ll be back.
Do say: Give us a hug.
Don’t say: Contactless delivery.