Interview with covid-19

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Name: Covid-19 (also known to as SARRS-CoV-2)

Age: Depending on who you believe the virus is centuries old, 60 years, 50 years, 20 years, or 3 years old.

Appearance: Invisible to the naked eye.

You’ve caused a lot of fuss? People have over-reacted really.

And you’re so tiny? We slip through the fibres of the masks people wear.

We? There’s millions of us, we’re like germs.

Like germs? We’re everywhere. 

You don’t like hand sanitisers then? They don’t kill viruses, haha!

Why are you so feared? It’s all thanks to our slick media campaign, we’ve had the best people on it.  

Such as? Bill’s been brilliant, he got his World Health Organisation behind us as soon as China kicked off. 

Anyone else? All world leaders, their science advisers, hangers on, do-gooders, then the media were bought off and boom – the fear porn began. My old mate the Spanish Flu would have loved this campaign.

Fear porn you say? Cases, cases, cases! 4,000 cases! The PCR test was a master stroke.

What do you mean? It can find cases when there aren’t any.

Still, it detects the virus eh? Not really, it detects RNA that they assume is me.

Are they wrong then? They haven’t isolated me yet.

Any plans for the future? I’m looking for a quiet life, out of the spotlight.

Slinking-off having devastated the world? Don’t blame me for that – that was your government’s decision!

Will you return? I’ll always be here.

What’s your favourite movie quote? You can’t handle the truth!

Do say: All lockdowns over forever.

Don’t say: Just one more week.

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